My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
