omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
