I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
