I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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