I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
