So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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