her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
