with your own penis?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
