Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can Purell be used as lube?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
