i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
