Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
