i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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