why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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