he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
