Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
