well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
