i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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