god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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