if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
