I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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