ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
