I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
