my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
is that a dick in a sweater?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
