Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
