no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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