I puked a lego.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
