My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
