please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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