Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
