I smell stomach acid.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
