I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
