I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
