Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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