I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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