I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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