We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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