Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
