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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

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• (917): View more from New York City

  we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he even offered to make my bed in the morning.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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• (507): View more from Minnesota

  The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  I ate the most amazing corn dog today.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I will probably dream about it.

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• (438): View more from Quebec

  the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober

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• (941): View more from Florida

  I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him

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