i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
