She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
