dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
