I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
