Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
