just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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