I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
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