Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
