I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
