Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
