nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
