I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
